For years now Jeremy and I have talked about opening a Montessori school in Northern RI. This conversation began as whimsical chatter and over the years began to take shape in our minds. Naturally our reasons for embarking on this journey are somewhat, if not vastly different, but that seemed to strengthen our dialogue because it widened the scope and gave us different lenses to look through as we projected and planned. Ideally my hope was to open our doors the year that Annalee would be ready for a Lower Elementary classroom. There are so many reasons for this, but to avoid digressing, which I am typically great at, I will continue on….
While I continued to pray for Gods hand of direction, Jeremy and I also began to pray with greater fervency for his call to the ministry. We began making plans to move, I looked for a job closer to the Bible college, we began working on our home in order to sell it, Jeremy applied to BBC. We began to see God’s hand of guidance and continued to feel great peace in the beginning stages of this journey.
We both kept moving forward. Me towards the opening of a Montessori school. Jeremy towards full time ministry. Jeremy was fully supportive of this venture, and only reminded me that it may open just in time for God to relocate us, which I knew and fully accepted as a possibility. This possibility didn’t deter me, however, because I also knew that we may indeed not move at all. Our faithful God did deter me though. Quickly and deeply.
This past weekend, I sat next to Jeremy as he chose his first full-time coarse load. I sat next to him as he had his student ID photo taken and was given a list of new student info. I shared in the beginning of this journey, and then on Sun evening I saw and heard what I want the end of our journey to be as I listened to the Herson’s. I want to serve alongside my husband anywhere that God calls him. I want to serve. I want to work with him in the ministry that God gives us, together, day in and day out, serving our Savior. I want nothing more.
That said, I have spent my entire adult life working with children and maintaining professional relationships with adults. My intrapersonal skills are a mess, unless of course you are between the ages of 0 and 13, a parent to the previously mentioned, or a colleague. This is because those adult relationships are formed around what I am good at, where I excel, and where I am held in high regard. Those relationships are not personal, intimate, genuine or real. My heart is not on the line. I am not opening myself up, sharing a single personal detail that was not preemptively chosen, or revealing the smallest detail of ME. In this realm I am known for my knowledge, my talents, my work, my gentle spirit (it exists, and shines when I feel secure). There is no insecurity, no nervous laughter or chatter, no fear, no judgement, and my heart has been safely guarded. In fact, not only is all of the above true, but I am also blessed to spend my days with children. Guiding, directing, encouraging, observing, and listening to children. What a priveledge! Talk about a safe zone! No wonder I wanted to start a Montessori school! I am able to invest in what I know and do best without ever exposing my heart and without ever seeing the hearts of those around me. What a sad future. Safe, yes. Successful, some would say so. Purposeful, perhaps at times. And there’s the problem. I want my entire life to be purposefully lived for the Lord based on the calling that He has placed on our family. I want to minister the Word of God to His children, not the Five Great Lessons (while they are amazing, no one is getting saved from this work). I want to spend my days with the love of my life fullfilling Gods call together. This is my hearts desire, and the peace is unreal even though I have no idea what this will look like!
Since Monday evening when I shared this with Jeremy, I have had moments (and I’m sure I’ll have more) that I was fully aware of the insecurities and self-judgements that I need to surrender in order to invest my heart in people, versus a career. However, as a good friend keeps telling me, we were meant to have horizontal relationships too! ;D and I know that my God forgives and restores so that we can and do glorify Him. My hearts desire is to glorify my Savior, and yet in my insecurities I often become loud, high-strung and occasionally even socially awkward as I come out of my protective shell. Yet, I know that one day the Lord will have refined me in a way that allows me to speak my heart with a soft grace as I reveal snippets of me in a way that glorifies my Savior. Until then, I will pray for God’s continued guidance and peace as we serve Him, and as I learn to step out of my comfort zone and into God’s will.
So for now, I confess and even apologize for digressing and rambling while sharing the joy that comes from changed plans when they are led by God.